John Waters’ Zack Synder’s Justice League and other lesser-known big budget Super Friends misfires

  1. John Waters’ Zack Synder’s Justice League. Batman assembles a team of unlikely heroes to stop Steppenwolf’s “Born to Wild” from taking over the R&B airwaves in Baltimore, Md. During a showdown in the Batcave, Darkseid (played by Divine) defeats the Caped Crusader in a gross-out contest by eating bat guano. During this reshoot, Henry Cavill’s facial hair is only partially removed so that the Man of Steel can sport a pencil-thin moustache in honor of the film’s director. 
  1. Judd Apatow’s Zack Synder’s Justice League. As with all Apatow comedies, the female lead, Gal Gadot’s Wonder Woman, is reduced to a shrill, not-having-it nag .Wonder Woman’s mission: preventing Flash (Martin Starr) and Cyborg (Craig Robinson) from finding the three Motherbongs and smoking a half-ounce of Kryptonite kine bud. James Franco also stars as James Franco as Batman. 
  1. JJ Abrams’ Zack Synder’s Justice League. Oddly enough, this is the exact same movie as both Zack Synder’s Justice League and the 2017 Justice League by Joss Whedon.
  1. Steven Spielberg’s Zack Synder’s Justice League. Young Aquaman is adrift in the world. His father, the king of Atlantis, left his mother for a flight attendant in Atlanta. But then the boy finds a magical new friend whom he names Cyborg (CB for short) in the cornfield in his backyard, which, oddly enough, happens to be located in a densely populated Los Angeles subdivision. Allusions to the 2019 animated film Abominable abound.
  1. Quentin Tarantino’s Zack Synder’s Justice League. Following the off-camera death of Superman and the defeat of Doomsday, Batman (played by Tarantino himself) embarks on 2-hour rant that begins shortly after the opening credits. Needless to say, the rant in question involves a particular detailed, and graphic, dissertation on how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop. In the film’s waning 12 minutes, an Elvis impersonator/hitman (John Travolta, credited as Harvey Fierstein) arrives. The 1972 instrumental hit “Pop Corn” by Hot Butter plays during the shocking — and bloody — climax. For reasons that remain uncertain, Tarantino goes on to make a followup despite the public outcry over Batman’s repeated use of N-word in the film. 
  1. Greta Gerwig’s Zack Synder’s Justice League. This charming and refreshing adaptation features Gerwig’s muse Saoirse Ronan as Wonder Woman, in addition to an A-list cast of up-and-coming actresses as the rest of the Justice League. The movie ends with Wonder Woman subverting her S&M fantasy origins by stripping Joss Whedon to his Underoos and tying him to chair with her golden lasso. There, she subjects him to Brainiac’s mind-melting Male Gaze Machine™. Whedon weeps, tears flowing down his freckled dad-bod belly. Meanwhile, the Justice League drinks tea and engages in witty banter. It’s all very inspiring.
  1. Karyn Kusama’s Zack Synder’s Justice League. Superman receives an invitation to a dinner party at the home of his former lover Lois Lane. All of his old Super Friends are there, but the Man of Steel can’t help but feel increasingly uneasy as he increasingly has visions of his former co-worker Jimmy Olsen’s uncredited cameo murder. Things get even weirder when Clark learns that Lois and her new beau, Lex Luthor (a brilliantly cast John Carroll Lynch), reveal they are followers of new age guru Mister Mxyzptlk. Eventually, kryptonite hits the fan. 
  1. Martin Scorsese’s Zack Synder’s Justice League. This stunning superhero epic was shot on the last remaining canister of film ever made. Unfortunately, movie theaters no longer exist, so nobody has seen it. However, the soundtrack was eventually released as a double-disc set consisting of nothing more than the Rolling Stones’ “Gimme Shelter” and a lecture about what constitutes good cinema.
  1. Uwe Boll’s Zach Synder’s Justice League. Some soon-to-be-deposed Eastern European despot funded this. According to the Geneva Convention, it is a war crime to screen this movie. 
  1. Ethan Hawke’s Zack Synder’s Justice League. To no one’s surprise, this book of poetry does not win a Nobel Prize for Literature. 

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